Dear Diary: My demons

Looking back into time

When I was that timid little girl

Scared of this world

That time when others opinions still mattered  to me

 

That time when my past haunted me

Those depression filled days

Too many thoughts attacked me

Too many nights, I cried to myself

 

Tried so much to distract myself

I was trying to run from myself

Run from my past

There was so much, that I regretted

 

All those negative feelings

Jealousy, possessiveness, selfishness and many more

I wanted to be free of these feelings

I felt, like I was full of sins

 

I knew, I am alone in this battle with myself

That this is my own battle

The cure was within me

Subconsciously I knew all this

 

How to heal myself

I used to think

How to fight these inner demons?

How to feel love? Without any conditions or limits?

 

I wanted to feel accepted  by people, like truly

I felt like the weirdest person

So out of league

I felt so average

 

I was not intelligent or smart or clever

I was just a human

Just a girl

Who was wounded from inside out

Who was I?

 

I was caged within myself

I wanted to be free

Of all these thoughts

Of this depression phase

 

I had many friends

Everyone knew parts of me

No one really knew me

Even I myself

Did know, who I was

 

So then how could I ask people

To help me

Yes I could talk to anyone

Just to feel good temporarily

 

But no one outside me

Could provide me the cure

No one would fight my demons for me

I finally understood that much

No one could give me that love

That I longed for

 

What was love really?

I wanted to find out

I only knew of love

Which I was taught from the time of my birth

I did not really knew or felt real love

I just felt it was something bigger

Something better

Something eternal

 

Then I begin my journey

Into finding, real love

The journey of finding my true self

The journey of fighting my own battles

And fighting my own demons

 

Giving up was not the option for me

Because I believed

In that Hope

I Believed in something

I did not knew at the time

What it was actually

What I was after

But I just believed

~N.K.~